The Fall of Autumn and Spring

by McKinley Claire

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about

Depression has been my constantly dependent sidekick throughout my teen and adult years. It's been the most reliable shadow to my friendships, relationships, actions, and career. It's literally that old high school friend who I secretly hated but I still run into every fucking day cause we both live in the same city.

I think that the last collection of music I put out held a lot about what my good days are like. So now, I wanted to tear out everything on my worst days.

It isn't especially therapeutic to feel like any old stranger can listen to these things and get a window into everything that I feel is so frustrating for me to be a person, but it is therapeutic to make these songs for putting into the internet abyss on the off chance that the right person will hear them and get it.

I'm often off-key and off-time and it's not very well produced and I am constantly trying to go back and fix something to make it perfect, but if I kept doing that, they would never be published. So now, at least it's tangible and I can illustrate to people why I may screen their phone calls sometimes.

credits

released March 26, 2017

Artwork by Carlton Nivens
Shout out to Erin Celeste Florence for listening to me play these sections of music over and over and over again without complaining about it once, despite the time and volume.
And shout out to my cat Daisy for jingling her bell on every single track. God damn it.

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about

McKinley Claire Richmond, Virginia

Just a sad girl in a woman's body who is here to make you sad also.

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Track Name: Garden Vision
I woke to find I had garden vision
Daisies in the kitchen
I reached into my past to grab a fistful of seeds
And strewn them round inside of me
I wait within the sidewalk while I'm soft and shy
Till it's my turn to whither and die
Till it's my turn to whither and die
Not enlightened, just a little undone
What happened to my thoughts?
Where did the time go?
I woke to find I had garden vision
Daisies in the kitchen
I woke to find I had garden vision
Daisies in the kitchen
Track Name: An Unfortunate Rise
Maybe I'm not good enough
Maybe I'm not up to snuff
Maybe I'm always afraid since that faithful day
When my momma said to me
You will never ever leave here
Maybe I feel crippled and small
Maybe I fear it all
Maybe I hurt so much from a mental punch
But I will rise
I will rise
I will rise through this dirt piss and grime
Till I'm high enough to see God's face
And say I forgive you for the mistakes you made
The mistakes you made
Maybe I don't belong
Maybe I can't keep my calm
Cause I don't feel right in any place
Faking my way down to the grave
Maybe I can't persevere
Maybe I'll never be here
Maybe I'll dwindle till the flame goes out
I will turn to smoke without a sound
But I will try
I will try
So I will try to keep my chin up high
And rise up to look God in the face
And say I forgive you for the mistakes you made
The mistakes you made
Track Name: This is Not About You
Why'd you give me this damn temper?
Why'd you have to screw us over?
I already know the answer cause you left me the same need for adventure
So I'm left with all this doubt
That I'll ever make it out
Of these cursed genes making me someone I don't wanna be cause
I don't wanna be this angry
I don't wanna be doomed to be forever mean
Scared of being abandoned
Scared of waking up in
Tears in my tiled kitchen
Just like my old ex-boyfriend
Who always sachéd back
Into my life trying to wake up old affections
But I can handle any man I meet
Cause you were the one who was never supposed to leave
Why'd you have to go and turn this whole thing upside down?
I know what you've been doing when you think there's no one else who's watching
We've been cleaning up your mess
For the two months since you left
I'm getting closer to the final test when I
Forgive you for all your crimes
Forgive you for all the times
You raised your voice and crossed the line
But I don't wanna be that mean
I don't wanna be doomed to be forever angry
Track Name: Wolf in the Air
I quelled my wolf
It's not all I am
Kill 'em with kindness is what I always say
But can you guess what the rain washed away?
Bare my teeth
Till they're grieving
Hold my ground, bury the bodies
Wind in my bones
Ocean salt in my stare
My hair's too brittle for the little bit of static in the air
But can you guess what the rain washed away?
Well it wasn't me
Well it wasn't me
I'm like a scarecrow scared all night
With the fields on fire
I'm not scared anymore cause I put steel in my bones to feel as cold as the air
But can you guess what the rain washed away?
Well it wasn't me
Well it wasn't me
Look at me now
Wrapped up in pearls
Smash every mirror that doesn't help me to see clearer
Track Name: Hurri-sugar-cane
Do hurricanes love themselves
And all they do to everyone else
Destructive seduction
Compulsive rejection
This string of lovers won't fill
The hole of fear I feel
Auto-pilot determined to crash
Too lost to be attached
My heart has legs that get away from me
Making me into someone I don't want to be
But my heart lacks hands to climb these walls
Built around my fear of feeling at all
Track Name: Jesus Was Nothing Without Nails
If God loves a stupid man
Then what does he think of me?
If ignorance is bliss
Should I be happy?
If I go to hell, at least I will be warm
And if I'm in limbo, at least I'm not alone
And if I live forever, at least I will be wise
And if I cannot sleep, at least I'll see the sunrise
What does the Bible say about
Sinning for the greater good?
Maybe God would be
A human if he could
If I go to hell, at least I will be warm
And if I'm in limbo, at least I'm not alone
And if I live forever, at least I will be wise
And if I cannot sleep, at least I'll see the sunrise
Live is but a dream
So dance away, dance away, dance away
Track Name: Moon Whistle
Creeping out towards mystery
Listening to the dark
There's something out there moving something
Something pulling you apart
So when you hear the moonlight whistle
Calling all of us home
Will you answer the inkling
Or will you just wander alone?
I know you hear the moonlight whistle
Calling the tramps and thieves
Wandering on the road from the far west into the east
If light were secrets I would be an underground library
Hoarding all the things whispered by the night rock reverie
Itching on my neck we might be more creature than man
But the transformation will certainly justify the ends
So when you hear the moonlight whistle
Calling all of us home
Will you answer the inkling
Or will you just wander alone
I know you hear the moonlight whistle crashing into me
I'm doomed to be a servant to the night rock reverie
Track Name: Grown Downs
I found out more than what I bargained for
Your age don't matter much
Except as an argument crutch
Honesty's the best policy
As long as you've got the upper hand
Misery loves company
So long as you got a better disease
You've grown down to
So much less than you
You've shirked your job
In growing up
Why should I hold your hand
When you can't stop crawling with the rats in the sand?
You've done it again
Pretended no one's upset
You've done it now
And let everyone down
But don't you think that you're just a little too old for this?
Don't you think that I'm just a little too young to solve your adult shit?
Honesty's the best policy
As long as you've got the upper hand
Misery loves company
So long as you got a better disease
You've grown down to
So much less than you
You've shirked your job
In growing up
Why should I hold your hand
When you can't stop crawling with the rats in the sand?
Track Name: Open Window in November
I've gone and done it now
Drove away from the party
To see if this stranger on the phone knows what's wrong with me
These edges everywhere
Too sharp to ignore
Can't tell if one needs a good twenty feet or more
Won't somebody save me?
Get rid of this beast
I've gone and done it now
A darkness eating me
Just some exercise
Look both ways on the street
Meditate twice
Maybe ever three
Trespassing on myself
Sorry to disappoint
It's not the asphalt's fault it looks so kind to my eyes
Can't somebody save me
Get rid of this beast
I've gone and done it now
A darkness eating me
Till it's a part of me
Till it's a part of me
Till it's a part of me
Trespassing on myself
Sorry to disappoint
It's not the asphalt's fault it looks so sweet to me
Track Name: An Uncomfortable Skin Suit
Rosaisha cheeks and ADD
It's like I'm two degrees from healthy
Cradle cash in both arms and dash until we reach Babylon
The world's gone nutso
Maybe we can run and catch the last boat
Hey this cat's gone greedy but I don't mind cause she look like me
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy ee
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Has the world gone crazy or is it all just me?
Jesus had it right but he brought a book to a cross fight
Orange popsicle is on the podium
Maybe he will get it done
Pant suit dashing hard maybe she'll make a mark seen from Mars
Hey this cat's gone greedy but I don't mind cause she look like me
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy ee
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Has the world gone crazy or is it all just me?
Every doctor needs a smoke
And every dentist needs a drink
There's more to this than what your mother thinks
Hey this cat's gone greedy but I don't mind cause she look like me
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy ee
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Has the world gone crazy or is it all just me?
I cashed his heart until I made sure he had paid
I look into the abyss till the abyss looked away
No matter the person, place, or mineral
We're the fucking criminals
Hey this cat's gone greedy but I don't mind cause she look like me
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy ee
Boom daddy-oop boom daddy oh
Has the world gone crazy or is it all just me?
Track Name: Morning Street Shuffle
How about that news today?
It looks like hell but we're still going to work anyway
How about that cup of tea you owe me?
We don't like each other
But we like the company
Train's leaving, you better go
Haven't I done this all before?
Where have I been all this time?
I may be well but I sure ain't fine
Wake up and feed the cat
Look in the mirror and
Worry about all that body fat
Blink shrug yawn breath deep
Make sure they don't know that you're going to therapy
I wish I could go back to bed
I wish I could go back to being a little kid
Bouncing around in my head
I think I'll drive back instead
It's not a long way home
I'll just tell my woes to the road
Where have I been all this time?
I may be well but certainly ain't fine
Wake up and feed the cat
Look in the mirror and worry about your body fat
Blink shrug yawn breath deep
Make sure they don't know that you're going to therapy
Blink shrug yawn breath deep
Make sure they don't know that you're going to therapy